KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS

OF AN ABUSIVE PARTNER

EMERGENCY SITUATIONS
ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS
CHILDREN WHO WITNESS
TEEN DATING VIOLENCE

All battering is dangerous; one push or shove can quickly escalate to a life-threatening situation. Battering increases in frequency and severity over time. Certain behaviors, actions and words by an abuser, however, indicate particular danger for you. The ACADV wants to help you identify if you are in a risky situation.

Look for These Warning Signs

Threatens suicide or homicide If the abuser says that they will kill themselves, understand that this likely means they will kill you as well.

Fantasizes about homicide or suicide If they see this as a “solution” to their problems, they may attempt it. Beware of your abuser threatening suicide. Usually, it means they plan to kill you first.

Possesses weapons If your abuser owns weapons and has used them or threatened to use them in the past, they have the potential for lethal assault. The use of guns is a strong predictor of homicide.

Ownership issues If your abuser believes you “belong” to them, or “death before divorce,” their behavior is more likely to become lethal.

Idolizes you If your abuser idolizes you, or depends heavily on you to sustain, and has become isolated from others, it is likely they will retaliate against you if you decide to end the relationship.

Separation violence If your abuser believes you will leave them, and they can’t imagine life without you, they may try to kill you. Many homicides occur when a survivor is leaving their abusive partner.

Escalating danger When your batterer begins to act more and more as if they have no regard for the consequences of their actions – legal or otherwise – you are at an extremely increased risk of danger.

If you see any of these warning signs in your abuser, you should know that your relationship could become deadly. Please take caution and call the Alabama Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-650-6522 for immediate help.

5 Red Flags of Abuse

1. Social Isolation Pushes for a commitment or major event to occur early in the relationship. Asks you to spend less time with your friends and family and more time with him. You no longer maintain close relationships with friends or family.

2. Unrealistic Expectations Makes lots of suggestions on how you can improve your appearance, behavior, etc. You often make changes solely based on these suggestions.

3. Controlling behaviors Influences your decisions on hobbies, activities, dress, friends, daily routines, etc. and maintains tight control over your finances. You make few decisions without the perpetrator’s opinion.

4. Jealousy and possessiveness Demands to know the specific details of your day and rarely leaves you alone when you are not with him, such as when you are at work or out with friends.

5. Physical, emotional or sexual harassment Uses verbal abuse (name calling, ridicule, humiliation, threats), physical force (shoving, pushing, slapping, kicking) or other forms of abuse to get you to do whatever he wants you to do.

Key Personality Traits of a Domestic Violence Perpetrator

Blames others for his problems

Playfully uses force during sex

Has a history of battering

Objectifies women

Experiences extreme highs and lows

Is hypersensitive

Damages her personal belongings

Makes threats of bodily harm

Minimizes the violence

Displays frightening rage

Cruel to children or pets

Exhibits a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Breaks or strikes objects

Manipulates partner through guilt

Uses physical force

10 Lies Abusers Frequently Tell:

“I just need to be understood.”

“I had a bad childhood.”

“I can’t control it.”

“She fights too.”

“She pushes my buttons.”

“If I don’t control her, she will control me.”

“My smashing things isn’t abusive, it’s venting.”

“I have a lot of stress in my life.”

“I just have an anger management problem.”

“I just have a problem when I drink or use drugs.”

Domestic violence affects every member of the family, including the children. Statistics show that more than 3 million children witness domestic violence in their home each year. The child’s reaction to a home environment where family violence is present can vary by gender and age. The first step to helping a child experiencing this is to be aware of the potential effects and know the signs.

While individual children will respond differently to a batterer’s behavior, the following are signs that some children may exhibit:

Emotional

Grief for family and personal losses.
Guilt and self blame.
Confusion about conflicting feelings toward parents.
Fear of expressing emotions.
Extreme separation anxiety.
Anger and rage.
Depression and feelings of helplessness.
Shame and embarrassment.

Behavioral

Acting out or withdrawing.
Refusing to go to school.
Care taking; acting as a parent substitute.
Lying to avoid confrontation.
Excessive attention seeking.
Out of control behavior.
Manipulation, dependency, mood swings.

Social

Isolation from friends and relatives.
Difficulty in trusting, especially adults.
Poor anger management and problem solving skills.
Excessive social involvement to avoid home.
Passivity with peers or bullying.
Low self-esteem.
Inadequate social skill development.
Engaged in exploitative relationships as perpetrator or victim.

Physical

Nervous, anxious, short attention span.
Frequently ill, tired and lethargic.
Poor personal hygiene.
High-risk play.
Self abuse.

Children Who Are Exposed to the Abuse of a Parent Are:

Affected in ways similar to children who are physically abused.
Often unable to establish nurturing bonds with either parent.
At greater risk for abuse and neglect if they live in a violent home.
Forced to bear the burden of protecting the “family secret”.

Need More Help?
If you think your child may benefit from a referral to a professional counselor or connecting with a community organization that works with youth, please contact ACADV for more information.

In dating violence, one partner tries to maintain power and control over the other through abuse.

Teen dating violence is influenced by how teenagers look at themselves and others. Because teenagers are typically inexperienced with relationships, have “romantic” views of love, and seek independence from parents, dating violence often remains hidden.

Statistics show that one in three adolescents in the U.S. has experienced some type of violence in a dating relationship. In order to build better relationships, young adults need to be educated on domestic and dating violence, understand that they have choices and believe they are valuable people who deserve to be treated with respect.

Young Men May Believe

They have the right to “control” their female partners in any way necessary.
They should demand intimacy.
They may lose respect if they are attentive and supportive toward their girlfriends.

Young Women May Believe

They are responsible for solving problems in their relationships.
Their boyfriend’s jealousy, possessiveness and even physical abuse, is “romantic.”
There is no one to ask for help.

Common Signs of Dating Violence

Physical signs of injury.
Dropping out of school.
Failing grades.
Indecision.
Changes in mood or personality.
Use of drugs/alcohol.
Pregnancy.
Emotional outbursts.
Suicidal thoughts.
Isolation.

Learn More:
Dating Power and Control Wheel – This visual tool is targeted towards teens and highlights the main branches of sexual, physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. It focuses on the two roots of domestic violence: power and control, to explain how to identify these types of behavior.

1 IN 3 WOMEN

1 IN 4 MEN

have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner